Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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