She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
