Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
