He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
