Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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