my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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