He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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