So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
