Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
