I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
