I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize