The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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