it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
