I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
