a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I enjoy the company of your penis
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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