Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
