First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
