Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize