it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
