Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
