i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
How naked do you want me to be?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
