My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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