just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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