this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My feet surprised me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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