Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
