I am puke
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
