I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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