we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
As shirtless as possible
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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