i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
