There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
