Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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