I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
FUCK WHALES
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
