Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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