I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
