She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
