It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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