There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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