the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
