She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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