I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have already put on my inside pants.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
