I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
