Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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