I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
