I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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