i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Your cock deserves a montage
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
