I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
