I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
