Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
