This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
no you cant smoke seaweed
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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