Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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