I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
