but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
