bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
