"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
