So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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