Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
