all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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