I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
