and she was petting her beer can
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
