If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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