Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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