She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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