Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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