I like to think it a success when the cops are called
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
