I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
