I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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