remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
