if i can run in heels then i can drive
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
