Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
now i know why i became what i already was.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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