pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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