I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
