I didn't shave. On purpose
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
