i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
