Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
